


havelock vetinari mentally unravelling for 1,298 words

by braigwen_s



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27538018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braigwen_s/pseuds/braigwen_s
Summary: Look, just read the note.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	havelock vetinari mentally unravelling for 1,298 words

**Author's Note:**

> These videos here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMuM_qXR1Is. Those ones. Yeah, I somehow started watching them and kept going "lmao that's Vetinari," so.

“Let’s start with something easy-going and figure out when Lord Snapcase is going to die.”

[in Überwald, watching baby otters eat roe] “Nature has broken me. I am confounded by it.”

“Ask yourself: ‘Am I holding my pet rat back from their true ambitions?’ The answer is always ‘yes’.”

[introducing himself] “The tall bastard man that Ankh-Morpork loves to disrespect.”

“Hwel, I will never forgive you for naming an unemotional, uber-religious, worthless son Havelock. It also doesn’t help that I look like Hamelet Lite. Oh gods, am I a buzzkill?”

“The cow might symbolise someone else’s pride: the hubris of humanity.”

“There is a large ape. Again, I could not categorise that, but I know he should not have been there.”

“And if you have rats in your house, and you make the conscious decision to want those rats, they aren’t pests, they’re pets.”

[joining the Snapcase administration] “Hi, I’m Havelock Vetinari, safety fan and bureaucratic Wunderkind, please address me as such.”

“I need to know where the Librarian pees.”

“I appreciate that they have included a category called ‘small animals,’ as if that means fucking anything.”

“What if chess made you horny?”

_Normal Name: Havelock Vetinari  
Occupational Name: Excellent Assassin  
Horny Name: Scorpio Black Shark  
Cool Name: Oatmeal Pedigree  
Violent Name: Vampire’s Knife  
Name that lacks subtext: Killed Homicidal Lord Winderman_

“None of them will save you.”

[about his Grand Sneer] “Judging by the length of my beard, I’ve been living out here for two, maybe three, years.”

[referring to Sybil] “I figured that if anyone knew how to calculate the hitpoints of an animal, it would be somehow holding a tiny dragon as if it were a torch.”

“They take the form of a middle-aged lady, or young woman, except they’re really six hundred years old, and a god, or a bat, and I honestly do not have the time to unpack this bullshit.”

“That power is too great to wield, and it could easily be used for evil by some of the most wicked forces on the Disc, like Guilds.”

“Is capitalism’s enemy a cosmic horror? What could be more cosmically horrifying to a capitalist society than a guy called Vimes? Cows are a metaphor for capitalism!”

“You should be less concerned about being stabbed into oblivion and more concerned about the poison.”

“I’m changing the archetype to ‘treacherous swords,’ because we can include so many other people if we just expand the definition to ‘any sword-wielder who’s a little treasonous’.”

“This dipshit bat sleeps all day and has powers that gods fear! And that’s impossible! It should be impossible! There hAS TO BE An answer here, and I don’t sEE IT, And thAT’S NOT FAIR!”

“Violation, violation, violation, violation. Violation. Violation.”

“Both of these would be quite extreme to have as pets, considering that one is the shell left behind after a cicada moults and one is a fucking whale.”

“Perhaps this Patricianship will help unify all of the many warring factions, or at least create a new, very cool, warring faction.”

“Surely you can’t afford seventeen million dollars in fines. I’m willing to let bygones be bygones, Mr Slant doesn’t need to hear about all this evidence that I’ve compiled.”

“He must also have a stylish moustache, a long nose, and a love of killing. [thinks about self] Hm.”

“Unfortunately, there is not an OSHA guide to blood sport.”

“Your value is not defined by the size or shape of your body… it’s about what you do with the body you are given.”

“A beautiful, beautiful corpse.”

“I’m not here to discuss her qualifications, but you are not allowed to explode those dragons at employees.”

“The creepiness of this hallway has crystallised into sad Fools. No-one wanted to spend much time in this hallway before, and now they really don’t want to.”

“The sausage-cart version of ‘Pop Goes the Weasel,’ which, for some reason I don’t understand, always makes me cry.”

“Of course it does! It reminds you of the _Comedia Del’Arte_ , because it reminds me of the _Comedia Del’Arte_.”

“He can effortlessly turn himself into a demon, something only the most accomplished City Watch Commanders have accomplished.”

“Here is an archetype I call ‘What The Fuck,’ and it’s the three exam questions that make me say ‘what the fuck, Dr Follett?’”

“There are no acceptable entry conditions into a space with a pit full of scorpions.”

“I’ve been dealing with this small bastard’s antics for so long, I need to remind myself why here’s here by quantifying his value.”

“I no longer saw him as a freeloader who sometimes punches my wall. I saw him as a companion… who sometimes punches my wall.”

“All I can do is tumble listlessly through the wood, like a blade of grass spat from the Cow’s maw.”

“Mission complete! What was this meeting about?”

“The Quirmian Federal Reserve doesn’t exist, due to aggressive lobbying by … my aunt.”

“How many pages is that? About six hundred and eighty-four!”

“Instead, he just lets them disappear. Gone from this plane of existence. So… don’t let me detain you.”

“What kind of a setting would really allow this mistake of a human to exhibit his uselessness? A post office.”

[about Moist] “This man has been bamboozled into comedic public office entrapment three times.”

“There are nearly six hundred articles. I cannot explain that many articles. I have made that mistake before.”

“Trying to categorise all six hundred Überwaldean castles was a bad idea.”

“This isn’t to say we’re going to get overly complicated with 7’4s and 15’8 time signatures. Those time signatures only belong in mathematics music with rocks in, which is to say, in the privy.”

“Sir Samuel contains multitudes.”

“So I’ll just go ahead and do that mathematics in my head very swiftly…”

[Drumknott writes the answer]

“Thank you, Drumknott.”

“As I stand here watching the waves lap against the sand, miles away from civilisation, I realise I’m not simply standing on the edge of the ocean, but the end of the world. The world I’ve accepted without knowing its hidden meaning. Perhaps there is no hidden meaning.”

“It’s just a monarchy era quadrille and skanking. We will make it work.”

[pitching the idea of taxing rat farms] “Animal abuse is wrong.”

“We all know the true monster is man. And cannibalism is frowned upon.”

“Until we get to Samuel, my sweet angry boy who only cares about patrolling, and shouting, and not about niceties.” [holds up sign that says ‘THIS IS A SAMUEL APPRECIATION SPACE’]

[wearing black nail polish and hair in a long braid] “The thing is, Ankh-Morpork has moved past himbos and bimbos. Welcome to the age of thembo.”

“Just put one wet floor sign, anywhere, and I’ll let it slide, okay?”

[standing in front of a poster arrangement that says ‘The 10 Definitive Purposes of Music,’ screaming]

“Does your zucchini plant produce too many zucchinis, a.k.a. any amount of zucchinis?”

“The joy that comes from crafting your friends and family and then watching them pee themselves in doorless rooms.”

“The second-to-last golem is not actually a terrible golem idea, but it is a testament to just how trash human beings are.”

“That’s the battlefield? Seriously? How did they get permits for that?”

[running away from an image of a mime and screaming] “Oh no! Oh no! Nononono, oh please gods no!” [sees an image of a puppy] “Oh, a cute – I’m okay.”

“By the way, I’m including magma as a ‘flammable liquid’ – I know they mean tallow fat, but I think that’s just a lack of imagination on their part.”

“Today they will start seeing me as a person who is worthwhile, not someone who, in the words of my aunt, ‘puts a lot of research into things that have very little meaning’.”


End file.
